Mixed Emotions

As Mother’s Day approaches, I am filled with mixed emotions. Each year, I focus on the beautiful celebration of my three children. I am over the moon excited about the young adults they are becoming. They are beaming with confidence and are blessed with so many gifts. They fill my days with joy and laughter… I can’t imagine a better gift!  Yet, while my heart is filled with love, as this special day approaches, there is a small dark cloud that always lingers, leaving my emotions a bit unsettled…

10 years ago, my mom chose to walk out of my life. When I look back, I spent my life trying to please her. Regardless of how many times I called or visited, it was never enough. My mom was unhappy and struggling emotionally, on many levels. When my father lost his battle to cancer, my mom’s emotional struggles spiraled out of control. Unwilling to accept help, she pushed everyone away.

Mom had an extremely difficult childhood and although took very good care of my twin brother and myself, she never knew how to show us love. I don’t remember her hugging me. I don’t remember her telling me that she loved me. Although, I look back now, and truly believe she did the best job that she could. I remember asking her my senior year in high school if she was proud of me. Her response was, “Of course I am proud of you. Why would you even ask?” For me, it was just nice to hear those words out loud.

Growing up, I worked hard both at home and school.  I was a successful student and was highly involved in my high school’s music program. It was my life! It was the one place that I felt safe, for at the time, I felt completely unsettled in my own skin.  In the marching band community, I could be my quirky self and be loved and accepted.  To this day, I am grateful for and still in touch with many amazing individuals from this time of my life. I am blessed and honored to call them my friends. Unlike my mom, to this day, they’ve never expected or wanted me to be someone I am not. They love me for me. Their presence in my life, over the years, has been such a comfort.  You know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So, on this Mother’s Day, I’ve decided to look beyond that little dark cloud.  I will not only continue to celebrate my three blessings, but celebrate the women that have made such a difference in my life. Over the years, these individuals have given me the strength to be who I am today. I am grateful for their wisdom, their laughter and even their sarcasm! Much love to you all…

  • Auntie K – For being the first strong female role model in my life.  You gave me the gift of knowledge and friendship, both of which I cherish to this day.
  • Karla – For your wisdom, creative inspiration and ability to make me laugh until it hurts!
  • Judy – For your flower power and outstanding sarcasm!
  • T – For your passion and connection to Mother Earth and all of her creatures!
  • Julia – For your inner strength, wisdom and ability to share my 200,000 words!
  • Janet – For being my cake soul sister, wonderful neighbor and friend!
  • El – For your spirit, kindness and love of life!  I could never ask for a more wonderful and loving daughter!
  • Wifey – I have no words…You are my life, my love and my soul mate.  Life became complete the moment I met you.  I am blessed and honored to call you my wife!  Always, in all ways…

“Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.” ~Author Unknown

Love Yourself…Embrace Yourself…Just Be You…

Roda

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13 thoughts on “Mixed Emotions

  1. I have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day also. It’s been 15 yrs. since my Mom passed away and I still miss her everyday….But am eternally grateful for the children I have.

    Also, you MUST know another Judy, because there isn’t an ounce of sarcasm in me 🙂

    Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. These “days” often have a double edged blade to them. Whilst I lost my own mum 7 years ago and Mother’s Day to some extent hurts, I instead take happiness in visiting hubby’s mum who lavishes her attention on me and takes joy in the knowledge that I choose to spend my day with her laughing and smiling rather than huddled in my room thinking about my own mum. I’m glad you elected to see the joy in the day, it’s a wonderful gift to yourself and your children. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have never been one to celebrate Mother’s Day.I will post soonly about it. But you might wanna put your mom on that ladies list. I mean, you did come through her, not from her. Just a thought. I will also be posting about that, soonlyish.
    I can kind of relate to your mother’s absence.
    My father walked out of my life in 1989 and we HAD a fantastic relationship. He was a wonderful father! To this day, I do not know if he is dead or alive.

    Liked by 1 person

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